Psycho
by Drakai
Summary: When Naruto develops mysterious powers, and is given a strange pamphlet, he sets out beyond the Veil, to Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp, to train his new powers, before he makes someone think he's a six year old girl. That'd be fun.
1. Chapter 1

"The Human Mind. Six hundred miles of synaptic fiber. Five and a half ounces of cranial fluid. Fifteen hundred grams of complex neural matter. A three pound pile of dreams." Coach Oleander of the Whispering Rock Psychic Camp said as he paced in front of sixteen year old cadets seated on wooden stumps. "But I'll tell you what it really is. It is the ultimate battlefield. And the ultimate weapon. The wars of this modern age – The Psychic Age – are all fought somewhere between these damp, curvaceous undulations. From this day forward you are all Psychic Soldiers. Paranormal Paratroopers. Mental Marines who are about to ship out on the adventure of their lives. This is our beachhead. And this is your landing craft. You will engage the enemy at his own mentality, you will chase his dreams, you will fight his demons, you will live his nightmares. Those of you who fight well will find themselves on the path to becoming international secret agents. In other words: PSYCHONAUTS. The rest… will die!"

The children all gasped, and one, in a red t-shirt and pants combo, screamed.

"Oh, Morry." A German man with dark hair and sunglasses came to the stage, followed by a Latina woman.

"You're not going to die, darlings."

"Well, if they aren't Psychonauts, they may as well be dead."

"Oh come on." The same boy from before whined. "They told me this was summer camp."

"Relax Dogen." A very pretty girl with dark hair strung up in two pig tails calmed the kid down. "Forget old Coach Oleander. I've been coming here for years and trust me, nothing interesting ever happens."

"Lili's right." A tall, blue-skinned male with ridiculously ugly teeth and strange orange hair said, making sure to flex his almost non-existent muscles at Lili, who rolled her eyes at him. "There's nothing to worry about, unless you don't count the horrific, scary and monstrous lake monster that lives in the watery lake of Lake Oblongata."

"Bobby Zilch! I told you to stop spreading those rumors. I don't want the kids to be scared traversing the safe paths of Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp all alone at night, when it's perfectly safe. And we don't want to scare are celebrity guests: Agents Sasha Nein and Milla Vodello." He pointed to the other two next to him. Suddenly a sound was heard from the woods.

"What was that?" One of the girls, named Kitty asked.

"It's the scary lake monster!" Dogen cried, trying to hide in a tinfoil hat he was wearing.

"Positions." Sasha said as he, Oleander and Milla prepared for the upcoming battle, one of their hands extended in front of them, pointed at the direction of the sound, the other on their foreheads.

Crack. "Ugh!" Bam. "Oi!" Splat.

A body fell from one of the trees surrounding the clearing. Oleander used his powers to lift it up and bring it to the fire.

"Gah, it's the lake monster!"

"Nope, it's a boy."

"What's your name, kid?" Sasha asked him.

"I'll find out." Oleander declared as he focused on the new kid. He grunted for a few moments, before he was sent on his back.

"My name?"

"Starts with an M." Oleander said, dazed.

"No, it's Naruto, actually." Naruto sweat dropped as the Coach glared at him.

Back at the others, who were just now starting to calm down, Lili looked at the new boy on the stage, blushing slightly as she took in his look.

He was tall for their age, with a lean, muscular build, far as she could tell under the clothes.

He was wearing black jeans and shoes, a black button up shirt with the top two buttons open and the sleeves rolled to his elbows. Underneath that, he wore a crimson long sleeve shirt. Around his neck was a long black scarf that went to the right, and on his hands black gloves with some kind of red tattoos on the back. Over all of that he was wearing a black coat with crimson flames on it.

He had shaggy, dark blond hair that fell to a little above his shoulders, a cocky smirk on his lips, showing off his elongated fangs. There was a black spot on the left side of his neck, just barely visible, pointed to resemble an arrow slightly.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a lighter, frowning as he started playing with it.

"Anybody seen my smokes?" His voice was deep and smooth; sending shivers down the collective female's back.

"Here they are." Sasha levitated the pack to him. Naruto nodded his head in thanks as he lit one, taking a long drag.

"Oh my, you shouldn't be smoking, darling." The Latina woman admonished him. "It's bad for you." He just waved off her concern as he took another drag.

"What are you doing here, brat?" Oleander got back to his feet, still glaring daggers at the blond.

"Huh? This is that Psycho cam, right?"

"That PsychoNAUT!"

"You broke into a secret government training facility." Sasha pointed out with a slight smirk hidden in his voice and face.

"Secret?" Naruto raised an eyebrow. "You give out pamphlets for fuck's sake. There's a big ass sign above the gate that says 'Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp'. You call this secret?" He deadpanned.

"Such language for one so young." Milla frowned at him.

"I'm sixteen, lady. Where I come from, I'm already eligible for pension."

"All the same, you can't stay here." Sasha said.

"You'll have to stay here until we call your parents to come pick you up."

"Pft, good luck with that."

"What do you mean? Did they abandon you?" Milla gasped.

"Nope, croaked when I was a babe. Never even knew them."

"Oh, I'm sorry darling."

"What for? Did you kill 'em?"

"So soldier, did my inspirational speech I wrote on the front of the pamphlet inspire you to come here and fight for free thought and the like?"

"Nope, I skipped the speech." Oleander face vaulted while Sasha and Milla snickered at him. "I came here to train my powers before I accidentally kill someone. Or make him think he's a six year old girl, or something. That'd be fun." He added as an afterthought, making Sasha sweat drop and Milla giggle.

"So… We'll have to talk to Agent Cruller. If he gives the ok, you can stay."

"Fine with me." Naruto smirked, and moved to stand on the left of the group, near Lili.

"What makes you so sure that Agent Cruller will let you stay? Oh, I'm Dogen, by the way." He walked with Naruto to the cabin after Oleander dismissed them.

"He's the one that sent me the pamphlet." He leaned near the door of the cabin, watching the other two as the others walked inside.

"That's Bobby Zilch. He's a bully." Dogen started pointing out people as he sat on the stairs next to Naruto. "And that's Benny Something-Or-Another, I forget his name. He's Bobby's minion." Naruto raised an eyebrow, but said nothing as he watched his fellow cadets. "That's Chloe Barge. She always wears that helmet, talks to aliens and thinks she's from outer space." He pointed out a few others, when Naruto nodded to the girl with long, dark hair strung up in two pig tails, reminding him of Tsunade's.

"Who's that?"

"Oh, that's Lili Zanotto. She's nicer to me than the others, but she's a little darker than most. Bobby has a massive crush on her, and tries to scare off any other male that comes near, but she thinks he's irritating."

"She's beautiful." Dogen nodded, smiling.

"So, what power did you manifest?"

"I got mad at some bitch that was bothering me, and sent her through a wall."

"Cool. Will you be learning to blow up peoples' heads?"

"You can do that? Wicked."

"I kanda did, once or twice. That's why I wear this helmet." Dogen pointed to the tinfoil on his head as they picked out two bunks, one over the other. "Wanna try it on?"

"Maybe some other time."

"Grab a bunk, write your names and get to sleep. You're going through hell tomorrow." Oleander bellowed from the door.

**Sorry about the new story, but I wanted to be the first to post a crossover with this game. You know, Psychonauts. I'm working now on all of my other stories, so when I finish expect a massive upload, one chapter each. I will also be making two new ones, one depending on the poll, and another my newest star of inspiration. After that, I'll edit the poll again.**


	2. Chapter 2

"Over here, kid." Naruto found himself in a black void that night, with heavy mist blocking the floor below him. He turned to the voice to find an old man in a janitor uniform, with a fake left eye. "Time for you to learn the basics."

"Basics?" Naruto looked the man over. He had a hidden commanding aura, despite his, well… yeah.

"Yep. All the others already know a little on how to use their powers. You don't. And we only have one night to get you up to sniff. "

"Who the fuck are you?"

"The janitor. Now let's start with the Psi-Strike."

"The Sai-what?"

"Psi-Strike. Pay attention. It's when you use your mental powers to strengthen your mêlée attacks."

"Aha… And how exactly do I go about doing that now?"

"Just channel your powers into your fist and hit something." A wooden training dummy appeared. "It's easy. Give it a try."

Naruto did as told, and went to punch the dummy, never noticing the black spot on his neck begin to wave as he used his new powers.

When he thrust his fist forward, a red spectral clawed and armored hand flew from his own fist at the wood, splintering it into pieces.

"Now that's peculiar." The Janitor said, looking at a grinning Naruto.

"Yeah? How so?"

"Usually when someone uses the Psi-Strike, a large spectral hand appears around theirs, enhancing the attack, but their own fist is the one that strikes the target. Somehow, you have a more powerful version." He scratched his chin in thought as Naruto waited for the next lesson ever so patiently. "Well, them's the basics."

"Wait, what?"

"Go on now, git. Don't wanna be late for first class, do ya?"

"Oy, wait just a moment…"

"I said git!" Naruto groaned, waking up in an empty cabin. He put on his coat, and went outside, finding a bunch of his fellow cadets running to a big-ass tree that he somehow missed last night.

"Come on, Naruto." One yelled. "You don't want to be late for Basic Braining."

"Basic… Braining?" Naruto sweat dropped. "What the… Are you guys serious?"

"Basic Braining, Basic Braining, Basic Braining." His sweat drop grew larger as they chanted, ignoring him. "I love Coach Oleander's class. He's so nice and knows everything." He shook his head, following them up the trail to find a tree house.

"A tree house? Seriously?"

"Hey you, new kid." Naruto turned to find Bobby and Benny, the camp bullies, glaring at him.

"The hell do you want you damn clown?"

"Listen here, you black… ink spot. I'm the toughest guy in this damn forest, and what I say here goes. And I say stay away from my Lili, or I'll make you stay away."

Naruto grinned at that. "You call that a threat you half a french-fry?" He took a step forward towards them, making them flinch and take an involuntary step back in return. "Maybe you'd like to hear a real one. Buzz off you insignificant little speck, before I do some damage you won't walk away from." His grin grew wider as they flinched again, but Bobby took a step forward.

"Stay away from Lili you blond tipped ink blot."

"Even your insults are bland and repetitive. Get out of my face." He growled at Bobby who grabbed Benny by the shoulder and went inside the tree house.

"We will settle this on the battlefield." Before Naruto could join him a short kid with strange red hair came out of the tree house.

"That was very brave of you, standing up to the camp bullies like that." He commented.

"Thanks, ugh… Aloof, was it?"

"Maloof, actually. Are you sure you want to go in there."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Basic Braining can be very dangerous. Here, take these." He handed Naruto a small golden container. "It's smelling salts. You can use them to sneak out once you get in. You can keep those; I have more at the cabin. I have to go now, I'm thinking about having my parents get me back home." He muttered the last part, leaving the area.

When Naruto entered the house he found a dew kids sitting on various pads in meditative positions, with Coach Oleander in front of them with some kind of miniature door on his forehead. Naruto approached the Coach, looking around the room with a sweat drop.

"Yo, Coach, I'm ready for the Basic Whatever."

"Braining, kid. Are you sure you're ready to face the perils of the battlefield?"

"What battlefield?"

"Get ready, brat." He opened the door on his forehead to show a bright white light instead of skin. Naruto felt himself get pulled inside, yet stay outside at the same time.

"What the fuck did I get myself into this time?" He yelled before everything went white.


	3. Chapter 3

"Ok, seriously, what the fuck?" Naruto muttered to himself, looking around the room he was currently in. It was a small, dark room, with only a small table, a projector that was situated on the table, and a white canvas screen that was across the projector situated on the table, in it. He looked to his left and found another kid there, this one wearing some kind of sailor suit. Naruto noticed he was a jittering mess before switching to ignoring him completely. "Why does this weird shit always happen to me?" The blond muttered to himself, sighing as the projector came to life and the coach's face appeared on the canvas.

"Quit your grumbling kid, this is where the real danger lies." Naruto scanned the room again, a sweat drop forming.

"Riiight…"

"Now, are you kids ready to face the ultimate danger in a world where everything is out to kill you?"

"Ah.. no.. I.. um.. Not really?" The other kid stuttered.

"Whatever Short stuff." Oleander glared at Naruto, who just smirked.

"Then strike me, and enter the-" He was cut off when Naruto grinned and sent a Psi-Strike at the wall, smashing it open.

"Finally. I thought he'd never shut up."

"Right, um, let's charge?" The navy kid ran out through the hole in the wall and was promptly, with a loud Kaboom to boot, splattered into… bunnies?

"The fuck?"

"Hehehe, be careful… Or you'll get blown up!" Oleander grinned as his face appeared on another wall, this one unfortunately out of Naruto's reach.

"Damn… But seriously, rabbits? What are ya, five?" He then looked around, noticing the barbed wires, bunkers and sounds of gunfire. "Obsessed much?" He deadpanned to the face on the wall.

"Shut up brat, and get going. There's some obstacles you'll have to cross up ahead. Hehehe…"

Naruto walked along the bath surrounded by the wire, taking a cigar and lighting it. He stopped when he saw a small, shallow hole that went from one side of the path to the other, just wide enough for him to have to jump to clear it.

"Play a lot of video games, do you?" He deadpanned at the short coach again.

"Now you'll have to…" Naruto ignored him and casually jumped across the gap, taking a drag of tobacco in mid-air as he did so, only to notice more up ahead. He just shook his head and sighed.

After a small amount of time jumping around, he came across a gap that was at least twice as wide as the ones before.

"You'll have to double-jump to cross this one, brat. What you do is..." Naruto ignored the head on the wall again and leapt, clearing the gap in one go and leaving a grumbling coach behind.

When he landed he came face to face with a floating, bright neon-red blob of wire.

"Relax. That's a figment of my imagination. You'll find them scattered around the mental worlds you visit. If you collect them, you'll boost your mental powers."

Naruto just stared at the thing. Then he blinked.

"Just walked through them to collect them." Oleander grumbled a little impatiently at the blond.

Naruto just blinked again. Why the hell was it shaped like a rabbit?

"Any time now, brat!" Oleander yelled at Naruto, who spared him a disinterested glance and went ahead, walking through the neon-red wire-rabbit-thing, it shattering into little neon-red pieces as he did so.

Sometime of jumping gaps and collecting figments, which Naruto had no idea why he was doing, later and Naruto just couldn't shake the feeling of being in a damn video game, when he came across something that made him stop. It was a piece of luggage… that was crying.

"My day just got a hell of a lot weirder."

"What are you looking at? Everyone's got emotional baggage, kid. You see that tag over there." The head motioned to the side, where a tag of the same color as the luggage, with a silhouette of it pictured, was floating around in the air. Sparkling. "Go collect it and bring it back." Naruto hated sparkling. "That'll fix that baggage right up."

"I would… but I don't like you, so no."

"What the…? Hey, you damn brat!"

"Half-pint." Naruto shot back as he left a fuming Oleander behind him.

"I don't remember any of this being in the damned pamphlet Cruller sent me." Naruto muttered to himself sometime of jumping gaps, collecting figments and clearing ridiculous challenge sets that looked like they belonged in a circus rather than somebody's head later. Now he was standing on a wooden bridge. Well, the first part of it, at least. The rest was destroyed by a big-ass rocket that fell from the sky right in front of him. "Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna get anywhere that way." He looked around him until he was somehow unceremoniously blindsided by Bobby Zilch and pushed off of the edge and down the chasm.

"Have a nice trip. See you next fall. Hahahaha…" The clown laughed at the falling blond.

_How the fuck did I not sense him?_ He thought to himself as he fell. _This is gonna suck. Bad. _But before he found his brains decorating the surrounding landscape, he was stopped in mid-air. He looked to the left and saw the dark-haired girl with pigtails, _Lili_, he reminded himself, with both hands on her forehead, concentrating.

"Um, thanks." She just moved him a little to the right and dropped him on the floor. "Ugh. Thanks a lot."

"I was trying to stop you from squashing the plant." Now that he first heard her talk, he had to admit he liked her voice. He then registered what she said and looked at the plant.

"Is that…?"

"Yeah, I think it is. It's an interesting plant" She nodded.

"It's a slab of meat growing out of foliage." He scratched his head. "I've seen a lot of things, but…" Naruto shook his head. "I'll see ya later Lili." He walked for a few paces before he disappeared into another hole, leaving Lili to blink in the direction before returning to the plant.

"I'm getting sick of all this crap." Naruto groaned as he skidded along the wall.


	4. Chapter 4

After sliding down a chute Naruto fell through a hole in the sky and landed in a snowy area with two kids, a girl and a tall boy.

"Hey, it's the new kid."

"Yeah. Hey, new kid, new kid!" The two began to chant, making Naruto develop a seat drop. He looked around the area he landed in to find it completely surrounded by wire and tall walls, with a gate that was closed and, he was willing to bet, locked. Sure, he could _scale_ the walls, but he didn't really feel like it.

"Hey, hey, we know how you can get through the gate." The boy said, surprising Naruto.

"Yeah, yeah, you have to solve that." The girl pointed to a big red button on the ground, surrounded by a couple of narrow openings. Then, suddenly, Coach Oleander's face appeared on a wall. Again. He was really starting to get tired of that.

"New deal, brat." The coach smirked. "You play the game by my rules from now on, or your two new friends over there'll become fish food." Naruto looked at the two that were still chanting, ignoring what was going on around them.

"They're not my friends. I just met them. Hell, I don't even know their names." Naruto pointed out.

"Yeah, well… you still need to solve that puzzle if you wanna get out of here alive."

"Tch, whatever." Naruto stood on the button. A life-size cardboard cutout of a soldier popped out of one of the holes. Naruto shrugged and punched it, splintering the cardboard in pieces. Another two popped out in its place, which were dealt shortly, one by a punch to the chest, and the other by a kick that took its head clean off.

"Come on, new kid, punch!"

"Punch, punch, punchy punch punch!"

"I'm punching, I'm punching. Now would you kindly shut the hell up!" He snapped at them. They ignored him and just kept cheering.

Another few well-placed punches and kicks later and the damnable 'puzzle' was finished. When the gate opened, the two kids, whose names he still didn't know, not that he really cared, cheered and rushed ahead, getting splattered as soon as they cleared it.

"Hehehehe….. Collateral." The coach grinned but, to his disappointment, Naruto didn't even blink and just walked ahead, lighting another cigar.

The next challenge that the short, crazy coach cooked up was a weird one. Naruto blinked and stared at the field littered with some fragile looking walls, a lot of small bunnies, and a big bunker at the far side of it, with a very big machine gun on the front. Which Bobby Zilch, for whatever reason, now seemed to be operating.

"Good luck Ink Blot. You're gonna need it. Ahahahaha…" He hit the on switch, which apparently replaced a standard trigger, and left through the top of the bunker as the gun flared to life. It started spewing bullets all over the place, scattering the rabbits. They panicked and hid behind the walls that were somehow still standing under the continuous fire, despite looking like they'd fall over if somebody'd hit them a little hard. Naruto had a feeling they'd shatter the moment he stepped behind them.

"Come on, brat, save the poor bunnies." Oleander grinned from his wall.

"I really don't think so." Naruto walked in a straight line to the bunker, effortlessly dodging the bullets. When he got to the gun he sent a Psi-Strike at it, breaking it in half.

"Hey, that's government property! Handle with care, you little brat." Naruto grinned and jumped through the hole on the top of the bunker, the one he was Bobby use. And found himself on a plane that was apparently crashing. He face palmed.

"I've had just about enough of this crapsack world." He groaned.

"Hey, that's my mentality you're talking about!" Oleander's voice blared from the speakers.

"Yeah, and what does that say about you?" Naruto kicked the door open and jumped down. As he was gliding through the air, using his coat to slow his descent, he idly wondered where he'd end up this time. Then, the world went black, and he found out.

It was a fucking sewer tunnel!


	5. Chapter 5

The old-looking sewer tunnel smelled suspiciously real to Naruto, considering he was still in the mind of the demented little coach who cooked all this up. He really couldn't wait to get out of there.

_Wait, aren't there, what, at least two other teachers in this crazy camp. _He thought to himself. _I hope they're better than this one._

He looked to the front. There were a few fast-moving platforms there, with a metallic ledge on the far side, and about two feet of sewer water below. There were also a few of those Technicolor figment things to the side, where none of the floating platforms went. Apparently, the short coach grew annoyed of him and this was his blatant plan to humiliate him. It might've even worked, you know, had this been a game and all. Maybe.

When he did get to the other side, without once falling into the sewer water, he could've sworn the walls grumbled at him. Knowing the crazy coach, they probably did, too.

The next series of platforms were some more of those impossibly-difficult-to-any-normal-people hanging-freely-in-the-middle-of-the-air types. He really did wonder sometimes where the hell Oleander got all these crazy ideas. He might've been impressed. Well, if they weren't so boringly repetitive. And if the damned coach didn't grate on his nerves so much.

There _was _a new thing at the end of the flying magic obstacle course. It was a trapeze-like wire, or a set of wires, really, that were angled down, and were apparently meant to be glided down. They were sometimes cut off with obstacles one'd have to vault over, or gaps so you'd have to jump to another wire. He briefly wondered if Oleander was expecting some circus acrobat when he made this course.

_Why is everyone here against me?_ Naruto wondered to himself as he was gliding down the line. He could clearly see one Bobby Zilch who, perhaps in an effort to remain unseen, was hiding behind a square box, that was way too small to hide his ridiculous hair. When he spotted Narutogliding down the wire, his coat fluttering behind him, he stepped onto the wire with surprising ease and, apparently using his clown powers, glided against the wire.

"You're going down, new kid! Lili's gonna be mine!" He yelled, charging at Naruto. The blond raised an eyebrow and jumped up, twisting in the air so he could see what happened next. Bobby glided upwards until he got to one point when gravity started working against him. Waving his arms like a chicken, he tripped and fell down into the multicolored abyss, probably respawning somewhere earlier. Naruto chuckled to himself and twisted in the air again, landing on the rail and gliding to the end.

After another few dozen feet of sewer pipes, which were, thankfully, dry this time, Naruto came upon the most absurdly over-the-top thing he'd seem in this world. Ever. He actually had to stop and ask himself how many times he thought that already.

Well, to be honest, the first thing he noticed was the pretty dark haired girl, Lili, on who he started to develop a small crush. She was standing there, looking with a raised eyebro0w and a small tick at the next thing that drew his attention.

The chamber was about a hundred or so feet long. The top was completely closed off, giving a circular ceiling. The bottom was absent. Inside, however, were giant logs that were completely wrapped in barbed wire, surrounding a path that went to the front, sides and top. The different pieces of the path were spinning in random speeds, enhancing the 'what the hell' effect.

"Oh, hey." Lili noticed him staring at the thing.

"Hey Lili. Got bored staring at the illegitimate offspring of a cow and lettuce?"

"Something like that." She gave a small grin. "I figured I'd just pass and get this thing over with. But _this one_ is new."

"Yeah." Naruto deadpanned, looking at the thing." I have a feeling this spinning deathtrap was made just for me." She looked at him.

"What did you do to the coach Naruto?"

"Oh, so you remember my name" He grinned. "I just simply annoyed the little hobbit as much as possible. It was kinda fun."

"Did you insult the rabbit?"

"Uh…" He scratched his head in thought. "I think so."

"Then yes, this is your fault. After you." She motioned to the obstacle.

"Yeah, I'm thinking screw that." He made a few hand seals, not that Lili knew what they were, and grabbed her arm. "Shunshin." They disappeared in a puff of smoke, and appeared on the other side in a similar fashion. Then Lili fell over. Naruto grinned, and offered a hand.

"What… was that?" She glared at him, trying to steady her feet.

"Shunshin, or 'Body Flicker'. A technique from back home."

"Magic?"

"Ninjutsu."

"You're a ninja?"

"Yes." She looked him over.

"A real ninja?"

"And what were you expecting? Black spandex and facemask?" She nodded. "Common misconception. Ninja are supposed to blend in and be stealth."

"You're wearing black and red. And a cape." She pointed out.

"It's a coat. And I'm on holiday." Lili nodded and the two left to the next room, where the finish line for the course was.

"This is it?" Naruto looked the room over. It was dark and completely void of people, or pretty much anything except a few red courtains and a pedestal with a couple of red badges on it. There was also a door to the side.

"Well, the coach is supposed to be here."

"Yeah, a candle wouldn't hurt, either." They each grabbed a badge. "Badges? I don't need no stinkin' badges."

"You've been waiting to use that line." Lili looked at him pointedly. Naruto chuckled and scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "I can't believe I never thought of that myself." She looked to the door. "Let's go through there."

"Why?"

"It's called 'investigating'." Naruto shrugged and they opened the door.

There was a small, bright white room with a blue curtain on the far side of it. Naruto carefully approached and, just as he was about to open them up, they were both whisked away.

Naruto opened his eyes to find himself in the same room in the tree house he was in before the little adventure in the coach's disturbing mentality. He was seated in the lotus position, his hands clasped in front of him. He heard a groan to the side and turned his head, pausing as his senses blurred.

"I hate that part." Lili groaned from beside him.

"Is it always like this?" Naruto asked as his senses reset.

"No. You get blurry only when you're thrown out." Naruto stood up, stretching his back, accompanied by the sound of popping joints.

"Hahaha…" Oleander laughed, waking up. "It looks like nobody got the badge this time. Better luck next time, kiddies."

"Badge? You mean this?" Naruto stepped up, brandishing the badge he got, Lili standing beside him.

"What? But I… Dammit!" The coach grumbled, disbanding the class.

"So, what's next?" Lili looked at him.

"Next?"

"Yeah. What do we learn next?"

"Nothing for today. The only classes here are Oleander's Braining, Agent Nein's shooting and Agent Vodello's levitation. If we gather enough figments Agent Cruller teaches us something extra."

"That's it?" Naruto said, disappointed. "Are the others at least harder than that?"

"No, they're about the same difficulty." Naruto groaned.

"And I have to stay here the whole summer!"

"I know how you feel." Lili tapped him one the shoulder. "I've been coming here for years."

"Why?" Naruto looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Didn't you already learn everything years ago?"

"I did." She shrugged. "But my father keeps sending me." The two walked out of Oleander's room.

"Hey, you, new kid" Naruto groaned, recognizing the voice.

"What! What the hell do you want now?!" He snapped, growling at Bobby Zilch, annoyed. The boy ignored the danger and walked up to him.

"You made me look like a fool in there."

"Believe me; you hardly need my help to look like a fool." Bobby tried to imitate his growl.

"I told you I'd get you on the outside."

"You did?" Naruto raised an eyebrow, confused. "When the hell did that happen?"

"I want you to stay away from my Lili."

"Lili?" Naruto pointed to the girl beside him, making Bobby turn. He grinned lecherously, making the girl shudder. "I think she's old enough to choose her own company, don't you?" The tall boy ignored him.

"Hey, Lili, why don't you come with me and…"

"Look pal, I wouldn't touch you with a ten meter cattle prod." She answered dryly.

"I hate being ignored." Naruto sighed, grabbing Bobby's ear and dragging the extremely tall boy down to his level. "Listen here, bub, I'm not gonna tell you again. Stay away. Next time you try to bug me, or her, and I'm gonna beat you senseless."

"Alright kid, that's it! You're going…"

"Ahem." Lili interrupted the two. "I don't believe Agent Nein would condone that behavior." She pointed to the side. The two boys turned to find the adult German Psychonaut levitating a few feet from the ground.

"Good day, boys. I highly doubt such behavior is appropriate, now is it?"

"But Agent Nein, he…" Bobby started.

"Now, now, I just got here." The agent waved his hand dismissively. "And I am only going by what I saw." Bobby growled at Naruto.

"Come on Benny." His minion, who stood to the side, unnoticed by the others, hurried to catch up with him.

"Yes, Master. Coming, Master." Naruto, Sasha and Lili blinked after them.

"How the hell do those two keep sneaking up on me?" Naruto wondered out loud. Then he turned to Sasha. "You were there the whole time, weren't you?"

"Yes." The German admitted. "It was amusing while it lasted." He levitated a cigar up to him and lit it. "In either case, I came here to see you. I see you have completed Morry's Basic Braining." He motioned to the badge still in Naruto's hand.

"Yeah. What do I do with this thing?" Sasha shrugged.

"I want to offer you some… special training. Only young Lili out of all your new friends went through it."

"Alright Agent Nein-"

"Sasha, pleas." The German smiled kindly.

"Sasha." Naruto smiled. "I accept."

"Excellent." He gave Naruto something. "This is a key that will help you get into my secret lab in the forest."

"This is a button. From a woman's coat, apparently." Naruto deadpanned, but Sasha already started to leave. He floated over the edge and down the side of the tree, ignoring the stairs.

"Alright, that was kinda cool." He turned to Lili. "Where do I go, again?"

"That way." She pointed south. "Until you get to a big metal ball. The entrance's around there somewhere." Naruto thanked her and turned south, jumping from the edge of the platform. He landed on a nearby branch, speeding through the trees. Lili shook her head at his retreating figure and was the first out of their little group to use the damned stairs for what they were intended to.


	6. Chapter 6

Following Lili's directions Naruto came upon a giant metal ball in the middle of the forest surrounded by smaller, but still pretty big, metal balls. On his way there he saw some other students being chased by a coyote that could shoot flames out its ass, and a bear that apparently had telekinetic powers, but, since neither his new friend or his new crush were there, he promptly ignored them and continued tree hopping.

Coming up to said giant metal ball, he never actually expected to hear a banging sound coming from it, like something trying to get out. He looked around the area he perceived to be the front of the thing for a few moments, before just shrugging and giving it a good kick to the proverbial nuts. The door popped open to reveal the kid that gave him those smelling salts, Maloof.

"You again?" Naruto raised an incredulous eyebrow. "What're you doing in there?"

"That scumbag kid Zilch locked me in here. Oh, what I wouldn't give to be able to…" He stopped mid-rant with an evil-looking grin on his face. "Heh, I just got a killer idea. Gotta go, I have a few offers to make that they can't refuse."

"Yeah, good luck with that." Naruto sweat dropped as the kid walked out the metal ball. "Crazy kid, that one." He shrugged stepping inside the ball.

The inside of the thing was padded, like a room you might find in an asylum, only velvety red instead of hospital white in color. He scanned the floor, finding a small, round indentation with four metal prongs jutting out. He took the button Sasha gave him and, with an incredulous look on his face, placed it in the indentation. This, in turn, caused that part of the floor to rise, revealing a staircase.

"I can't believe he actually designed an entire entrance around a button from a woman's coat." Naruto muttered to himself, descending down the stairs.

The room the stairs led to was dim white, with a curved staircase in the middle and books upon books on all walls an every indentation, except for the wall on the far side of the stairs. There, there was a tree stump, giant pink telescope and computer console with a big red switch on it, with which Sasha was currently playing around.

"Erm, hey, Sasha. Nice lab." Naruto said when he walked down the stairs, eyeing the somehow still-threatening giant pink telescope warily.

"Naruto, what a surprise. Whatever are you doing here?" The German turned to him with a small, almost unnoticeable grin on his face.

"You told me to come here." Naruto said, bewildered.

"I did no such thing. I never said to come to my secret laboratory in the middle of the forest, and I certainly don't remember giving you the key to open my door." Naruto sweat dropped at the man. "I also can't seem to recall ever telling you I could teach you how to shoot, but only if you could manage to get a Learner's Permit from Agent Cruller using that tree stump over there to get to his office." His grin widened a fracture and he turned back to the console.

"Um, sure, thanks for not telling me." Naruto, getting kinda weary of the numerous eccentricities of the camp, came over to the stump. It was hollow, and just wide enough for him to jump down. So he did.

He landed in some strange metal cart that was standing on some sort of rail. Just as he looked around, the lights on the cart came to life.

"Good day, Agent Cruller. Where would you like to go?" A hollow, metallic and female voice came from around him.

"Um, my headquarters?" Naruto asked, a little insecure.

"No such place is available.

"My secret office?"

"No such place is available."

"My hidden chamber?" His eyebrow started twitching.

"No such place is available."

"*Sigh* The CrullerCave?" Naruto face palmed when the metal cart started rolling along.

After climbing up the ladder that was there when the cart stopped, Naruto found himself in a room that looked like a standard spy HQ. There were large monitors at the front, some white platforms all around and a big, pink, glowing stone embedded inside the largest, earthy platform. A man dressed in a dark green jumpsuit that was looking at one of the monitors turned around at the noise, revealing the Janitor Naruto had met the previous night.

"Hey there, I'm Agent Cruller." The old man waved cheerily.

"Hey. Thanks for teaching me how to hit stuff, but now I kinda need to learn how to shoot stuff, too."

"Yeah, yeah, here's the Permit." The old man handed Naruto a small, rectangular piece of bluish-green paper. "And one other thing…"

"Are you not gonna tell me stuff, too?" Naruto deadpanned.

"Don't mind Sasha, he always does that the first time you get inside his lab. I wanted to tell you to come by sometime after your levitation training so I can teach you a new skill. Or ten."

"I thought I had to collect a hundred of those floating wiry thing."

"Normally ya do, but I can just say screw that and go ahead and teach whatever I want to whoever I want. It pays off being the boss sometimes."

"I'll take your word for it. Should I even ask why you were masquerading as a janitor, and I think I saw you as a ranger, too?"

"Erm, would you believe secret mission?"

"No chance."

"I'll tell you later."

"Like a boss?" The old man gave him a thumbs up. "Thought so." Naruto turned around. "See ya later, old man." Naruto jumped down the stump and gave direction to the German Psychonaut's lab, without waiting for the voice to sound off.

**Also, I have a new Twitter acount, on which I will be posting updates and maybe even new ideas. Check it out, the name's Drakai07, the pic is the same as my profile for FanFiction.**


	7. Chapter 7

When he got back, Naruto found Sasha in the same position he left him. Back turned to the stump and fiddling with something on a very large dashboard next to something that looked suspiciously like a telescope.

He approached the machine curiously, tapping its side.

"Stop that." The German muttered, finally turning to him. "That's very delicate equipment." Naruto shot him a disbelieving look. "Did you get the permit?"

"Yeah." He handed the small green piece of paper to the man. "Can I learn to shoot stuff now?"

"Children." Sasha shook his head. "Always so destructive. " He took a small door from his pocket and put it on his forehead. "Are you ready?"

"Why do you have a door on your head?"

"It's called a Psycho-Portal. You use it to enter the target's mind."

"I really hope you're not talking about mine here."

"No. The Portal has a built in lock in accordance to the Minor Protection law."

"Aha." Naruto scratched the back of his head. "That' a good thing, we don't want to die."

"Die?"

"My head's a pretty dangerous place."

"If you say so." The man shrugged, opening the door.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

With a large white whoosh of light the two appeared inside an empty void, standing on a black and white surface.

"Welcome to my mind." Sasha commented, floating next to Naruto.

"Why is it so… empty?"

"It's _contained_." The German Psychonaut stressed. "Not empty."

"Whatever you say man." Naruto shrugged. "So how do I do this thing?"

"You have to focus all of your anger and aggression into a single point. Then you will it to fly out in a concentrated beam of energy. Here, watch." A lamp jumped out of an opening in the ground. A very, _very_ tacky lamp. "Ugh. Such a horror."

"You're serious?"

"Begone foul thing." He put two fingers to his temple and a red beam fired from it, shattering the poor lamp. "See? Easy."

"Are the fingers really necessary?"

"Not quite, but they do help the focus. Your turn." Another lamp popped up. "Focus, Naruto. And make it go away. Quickly, please."

Naruto frowned at the lamp, focusing on the aggression he kept locked away until now. He could hear the faint whispers in the back of his mind that always accompanied such negative thoughts, but ignored them. He focused all the red-hot rage to a point behind his eyes and fired off. Twin beams of red energy shot from his eyes, shattering the lamp completely.

"Huh." Naruto blinked, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "That was strange."

"Hm..."

"Something wrong?"

"Oh, no. It's just rare to see someone focus the beam through the eyes. I'm curious, could you still see?"

"Yeah, everything was just bathed in red. More lamps?"

"No." A black hole opened in the white space above the floor and a small humanoid figure dressed in a blue suit, with large glasses on its head and carrying a large rubber stamp, appeared. It garbled around for a bit, muttering something Naruto couldn't quite grasp, before it charged at him.

He fired off another shot, sending the thing back and on its ass, but a moment later it jumped back to its feet and charged again. Another shot took care of it. It exploded, and a couple of red exclamation marks started jumping around, followed by a light blue cross.

"A censor." Sasha commented, taking a drag from his cigarette. "They roam around your consciousness, stamping out errant thoughts, self-destructive ideas, the like."

"Then why are they attacking me?"

"This is my mind. In their eyes you do not belong."

"But you invited me."

"It makes no difference to them. Oh, you should probably pick that up." He motioned to the red punctuation mark. "They will help restore your ammunition. And the blue ones will heal you."

"Heal me? Heal of what? I don't feel any different."

"Yes, it's easy to miss, but the strength of your projection into your target's subconsciousness is only about five layers deep. Each layer can take only a few hits, and when all layers are eradicated, you will be forced out."

"Oh. Only five?"

"Don't worry, they will improve with practice. And speaking of practice." Another censor dropped from the hole and a gauge appeared next to it. "You have to blast one thousand of those before I give you a pass in this class. Have fun." The man disappeared, and a small zero appeared floating in midair. Naruto raised an eyebrow and shot the censor twice, the number flipping to a one. About a minute later another censor appeared.

"Yeah, screw this." Naruto looked at the gage. It had seven categories, marked with numbers from one to skull, and colors from light green to dark red. Drawing the (to him) completely logical conclusion, Naruto fired off seven shots at the thing, sending it straight to overdrive.

The hole in space started smoking and churning, and a dozen small censors pushed through it at the same time, blocking it completely. Naruto just watched quietly as they struggled, and the churning turned to bubbling, before an extremely large foot broke through the other censors, impacting the ground in front of Naruto and sending shock waves all around it.

Naruto jumped back, staring at the giant abomination his teacher's consciousness produced.

"Somehow." He muttered to himself. "I doubt all this bottling in is healthy." The abomination, which on closer (if unwanted) examination appeared to be another censor, lifted its large stamp in the air.

"Naruto." Sasha's head, followed by the rest of his body, appeared from another hole. "What did you do?"

"Me? This is your head, man."

"You put the switch into overdrive. Why would you do that? Now you have to deal with this one while I see to some relief ports."

"Relief ports?"

"Yes. You see…" But whatever the German Psychonaut was about to tell him was muted under the heavy sound of the giant rubber stamp crashing on top of him.

"Dammit." Naruto swore, jumping back. "Today is so not my day."


End file.
